The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
