if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
