I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
