Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
