I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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