need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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