I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
