i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
