Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am naked and annoyed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
