Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
