Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
