It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
