New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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