I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
