my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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