i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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