Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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