Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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