Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
