I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
