Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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