my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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