My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
