Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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