your thong is hanging out like whoa
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
