before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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