I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
