At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
