What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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