It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
