Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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