He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
