when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
