wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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