he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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