Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
