never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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