yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
