Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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