Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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