Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
