Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
