I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
