I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
