Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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