I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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