3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
