I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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