I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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