Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
