The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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