she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
