then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
