He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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