We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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