If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
