I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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