Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm both gender and math confused
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
